How to Get Out of Victim Mentality

How to Get Out of Victim Mentality, how to deal with victim mentality

For anyone that wants to learn how to stop being a victim in life; here are

9 Tips For How to Overcome Victim Mentality



1 | Avoid Blaming

When you start blaming other people, you remove your power. Removing your power is a good way to excuse yourself of accountability.

The drawback is that it keeps you from progressing. Whenever you catch yourself pointing the finger or starting sentences with “He, She, They” make sure to immediately follow it with where you fit it.  

Sometimes it is someone else’s fault, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless.

Coming back to what you are capable of will help you figure out how to get out of victim mentality



2 | Practice Responsibility

Find your say in the situation.

What actions did you take, or not take? 

How can you prepare for this if it happens again?

What could you have done differently?

How did you cause what happened?

What have you learned?

Push yourself from a victim to the one who is at fault.

This isn’t to say that everything is always your fault; but you’re learning how to be accountable & empowered even when you do lack control in a situation.




3 | Stick to YOU

That’s right; me myself and I.

Figuring out how to get out of victim mentality is an inside job.

There isn’t much you can do about your narcissistic parent. 

You don’t need to be involved in your boyfriends recovery.

People stuck in a victimhood state tend to have codependent tendencies themselves & use others’ issues to justify their own.

OR they cling to a person with codependent tendencies. 

(Here is more information on what codependency is)

Try not to waste your time and energy on other peoples’ problems & be honest with yourself about the level of emotional, financial or any burden that you put on others. 

Instead of complaining about any of it, reflect on what you can do to change your role in it. 




4 | Practice Gratitude

If you realized the power of your thoughts, you would never think a negative thought.

Peace Pilgrim

Your thoughts impact your emotions and your emotions impact your actions. Negativity becomes a habit and starts to direct our lifestyle. 

Adjust the thought & alllll the rest changes. 

How to Get Out of Victim Mentality, CBT model


If you want a PDF of this, here is a link to it below & a link to read more about the techniques used in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

Free CBT Model PDF

List of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques

Practicing gratitude can be done in a lot of ways. Carve out a time & stick to it. 

Here are some times you could make a point to practice gratitude

You don’t need to do it forever, but it’s seriously a good idea to try for a while.

It’s hard to feel like a victim when you start noticing how lucky you actually are.

(It’s not going to happen right away)

It takes some time.




5 | Practice Empathy

This probably seems like a weird tip BUT when you empathize with others you’re inadvertently learning how to get out of victim mentality

Because you’re empathizing, you can’t be focused on yourself.

It’s another attempt to put a stop to the ‘poor pitiful me’ state of mind. 

A lot of the time the victim mindset is seeking connection, approval, or some form of help.

It eventually just becomes our go-to way of communicating with people.

By empathizing with others you are practicing reciprocating emotional support.

This will help you build relationships that are not solely focused on your needs.

Here is another thing…

When you start making a point to put yourself in a position to listen.

  • You will hear complaining
  • You will hear helplessness
  • You will hear a victim mindset
  • You’ll gain an awareness of how others feel in the ‘listening role’
  • & You might gain some problem solving strategies by listening to others


If you feel totally lost about empathy/listening;

Here is a post that explains 11 really good tips for listening.




6 | Start Tracking

When you start paying attention, you’ll likely make some connections.

You will likely notice

  • Why you resort to a victimhood state
  • The things that do empower you
  • The people that are influencing you
  • What situations, locations & scenarios impact your state of victimhood 
  • & How you typically respond to those certain situations

I’ll put a free trigger tracker PDF below.

When I used this I realized I’m prone to feeling unappreciated, and just seeing that for myself on paper (that I logged) helps remind me that I tend to take things more personal than they really are.

It’s now easier for me to dismiss the things that trigger that feeling, instead of letting them grow into bigger problems.

Learning those things about yourself is critical  

trigger tracker pdf for how to get out of victim mentality

Tracking Triggers for How to Get Out of Victim Mentality

Trigger Tracker PDF


When you do start tracking; try to remain objective with the situation that caused something & your response.

Because, when you look back at the things you logged, the cause and effect will be more obvious. 

Leave the ‘feelings’ column for just that, then start to look for those correlations between your feelings and what’s happening around you.

(it might take quite a bit of tracking before you see them).



how to get out of victim mentality, subjective vs objective information



Do you see how the column on the left is filled with assumptions (subjective information) & the other side is more factual (objective information)?

Try to stay objective; stick to the facts because everyone sees through their own lens, which makes subjective information unreliable.





7 | Practice Adjusting Your Thought Patterns

We learn how to interpret situations & how to react to them based on a lot of different things.

The problem is, our reactions from childhood don’t always translate well into adulthood.

A lot of us keep the strategies we used to stay safe during our childhood without realizing that we had actually adapted to a dysfunctional environment. 

Don’t beat yourself up about it; because how you thought & behaved was probably the best way to get your needs met, it just might not be anymore.


These are some common thought patterns picked up from dysfunctional upbringings


Blaming people means it’s not our fault. This is a common thought pattern of someone in a victimhood state of mind. Remember, it is ok if it IS your fault.

Try to think about why it’s not an option for you to be at fault.. Was the consequence for your mistakes really dramatic or blown way out of proportion when you were younger?

Were your caregivers perfectionists with unrealistic expectations and nothing was ever good enough?

Were you always compared to someone who seemed to perform better than you in the eyes of your caregivers?

Whatever the reason, remind yourself that it is okay to make mistakes.

Here are some ways to adjust your thought pattern when you’re someone who is uncomfortable with being accountable

        • You are not the center of any scenario, just a piece of it
        • The problem is not attached to you, or anyone; it is in the center & it is separate
        • Your action/inaction is not that significant
        • Embrace the opportunity to improve as a gift of the human experience
        • Trust that a higher power still has unconditional love for you
        • OR (if you have higher power problems) give unconditional love to yourself; regardless of your success/failure
        • Surrender your attempts to control outcomes, trusting that they happen naturally
        • See mistakes as a learning opportunity that you gain from instead of losing

However you need to frame it so it settles better with you.


Taking Everything Personal

If you’re feeling like a victim then you’re likely feeling targeted.

“This always happens to ME”

“If it were someone else, this wouldn’t have happened”

“This is just my luck”

“He/she just doesn’t like me”

When these things pop up in your head, immediately correct them.

For example:

This always happens to ME → I have no impact on the printer’s level of functioning

If it were someone else, this wouldn’t have happened → My involvement did not impact the results

This is just my luck→ Luck, by definition does not pick favorites

He/she just doesn’t like me → I did not influence their decision



This is when we emphasize all of the negatives & minimize any positive thing.

Can you see how this comes off as entitled or ungrateful?

We simply expect things to work in our favor & when they don’t, we are bothered & upset.

It’s not a good look, but a lot of us are guilty of it.

Instead, point out the positive things to yourself & feel fortunate that they happened.

& Equally as important, accept the obstacles as part of the process.


All or nothing thinking/black and white thinking

Us neglected/abused kids are SO good at this.

It’s a great way to stay safe.

I will now assume different, but loosely related things all have the same outcome.

We can’t take any chances. There are no maybes, if, and, or buts about it. We make it very difficult for someone to challenge it.

There is no gray area.

It is now a law in our life that we live by.

Our BELIEF system, if you will.

"It's Science" how to get out of victim mentality

(I’m guilty of this too, so no judgements)

Here are some examples of ALL or NOTHING thinking

Dogs don’t like me (seems a little extreme, don’t you think?)

I’m not good at board games, never have been (ALL board games?)

Medications don’t work for me (That seems physiologically impossible, but ok)

I have anxiety so I can’t do XY&Z

I tried it once so I can never try it again for the rest of my life.

how to get out of victim mentality

Therapy doesn’t work for me

I can’t go to public places

I’m always depressed in the winter

Cops don’t like me

Try to find a place in between, or stick to the facts because,

      1. You are limiting yourself
      2. You are probably wrong
      3. You’ve decided you are at a disadvantage

In order to achieve great things, you must stretch your beliefs, your efforts, and your tolerance.

Brian Cagneey


Assuming The Worst

“This doctor won’t be able to do anything for me which means I’ll be anxious at work, which means I won’t do a good job & I’m gonna get fired then nobody will want to hire me again & I’ll lose my apartment & if they call my apartment as a reference then I’ll never be accepted for housing so I’ll be homeless since none of my family has room for me…”



how to get out of victim mentality

Try not to get too far ahead of yourself; It’s stressful & unnecessary. 


Some of these may have functioned in an environment that you were in. But, they will start holding you back when your world has more to offer than just being safe

You’re worth the effort it takes to change a limiting mindset.




8 | Be Tenacious

If just being more mindful isn’t working, try carving out a time & dedicate it to adjusting your viewpoint.

Use sticky notes or other visual reminders to help you remember.

Try listening to a powerful TED talk on the topic (I’ll put one below).

Trigger Warning: There are numerous mentions of rape in this TED talk

TED talk inspiration: how to stop being a victim in life


If that doesn’t stick, try journaling about your victimhood state.

If casual journaling isn’t working, try some structured journaling, specifically targeted at your issue. 

Try reading a highly rated book, from someone who has experience on the topic (I’ll put a couple below).


Victim Mentality Books



Try group therapy (most of them are free)

Get a sponsor, or an accountability partner

Try individualized therapy


“Knowing is not enough; we must apply.  Willing is not enough; we must do.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


9 | Give DBT a Try

DBT stands for dialectical behavior therapy. It’s centered around accepting reality but, also changing it.

I know I listed DBT last in my list but it is definitely not least. DBT is a really effective method for learning how to get out of victim mentality.

DBT is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy (more information on CBT techniques here).

DBT is usually associated with borderline personality disorder but it can be used for a lot of others things too. 

You learn how to stop being a victim in relationships & use more constructive responses to your emotions.

You can do DBT weekly (by yourself) with a therapist but it can also be done in a group setting.

Most DBT is somewhat structured; you’ll likely be asked to keep track of your emotions, unwanted behaviors, barriers in your life, unhealthy coping mechanisms, etc.

Some people will learn enough from DBT sessions in just 6 months but they will keep practicing the skills on their own for much longer.

You can stay in DBT for 12 months, or longer (everyone is different). 

Learning how to deal with victim mentality takes practice; a lot of people choose to join & complete many DBT groups overtime. 

Most people keep their notes & workbooks so they can keep practicing throughout life.

Here a couple places that offer DBT so you can get an idea of what it’s about;

These are virtual but you can probably find an in-person DBT therapists/group in your area too. 

MindSoother Therapy: This site offers DBT Skill Groups

Boston Behavioral Medicine DBT Group (FYI you must be in individualized therapy to join)



You were put on this earth to achieve your greatest self, to live out your purpose, and to do it courageously.
Steve Maraboli



Remember, Figuring out how to get out of victim mentality takes practice so give yourself some grace.


“There is a fine line between compassion and a victim mentality. Compassion though is a healing force and comes from a place of kindness towards yourself.

Playing the victim is a toxic waste of time that not only repels other people, but also robs the victim of ever knowing true happiness.”
Bronnie Ware


I put some other posts below that can help you learn how to get out of victim mentality. 


Other Content Related to How to Get Out of Victim Mentality

10 Exercises to Stop Negative Thinking

“Nobody Likes Me” Causes & 5 Quick Solutions

Neglect and Abuse Gifted You These 10 Great Qualities

How To Deal With Immature Parents: 5 Effective Strategies

17 Brutal Truths About Losing a Parent As a Child



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