Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

20 Helpful Tips To Use When

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

1 | Take Nothing Personal

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

A cluster B personality disorder involves drama, impulsivity, and emotional behaviors. Often times, for whatever reason, those aspects encompass how they communicate with those around them. Confronting someone with histrionic personality disorder may result in insults to your character so be prepared.

This is going to sound pretty harsh but I compare their behavior to a toddlers behavior.

They have a limited capacity for problem solving, they lack boundaries, they’re sensitive and have intense emotions.

Don’t take their actions personal, but do hold them accountable.

It’s really not about you, because if it were then it couldn’t be about them.

2 | Establish Limits Ahead of Time

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

Decide what you’re okay with and what you’re not. Confronting someone with histrionic personality disorder isn’t easy and sometimes turns hostile.

You could use some of your previous experiences with them to decide if you’re willing to tolerate certain aspects of their behavior. Consider the situation regarding what you plan to confront them about and what their response could be.

What options and/or resources do they have if they become upset with you.

What are they capable of?

This is hard because with anyone, and especially someone with histrionic personality disorder you simply don’t know what will come next. This is why it is important to consider these circumstances before confronting someone with histrionic personality disorder.

When you’re completely blindsided by their actions you’re more likely to go along with what they do or have a response that you’ll later regret.

3 | Strategize How to Set Boundaries

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

So you’ve come up with what you’re okay with and what you’re not. What happens when they do the very thing you’re not okay with? Is there going to be a response on your part, if so will it be immediate or after you’re able to distance yourself from them?

If you’re confronting someone with histrionic personality disorder & you’re planning to set a boundary, be certain that you’re able to stand by it.

Once you’ve become wishy washy, broad, or start using terms like “next time” or “another chance”; you’ve taught them that your “boundaries” don’t actually exist.

4 | Implement Boundaries

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

Actually implementing your boundaries is super important because many times someone with a histrionic personality disorder is behavioral.

They recognize and remember the people who allow them to step over boundaries, break rules, break the law, act inappropriately, etc.

People with personality disorders can be hard to tolerate for many different reasons. People often leave relationships with them, block them, cut them off, or move on.

You may notice that someone with a cluster B personality disorder will have a difficult time managing relationships and often the only ones that stay have codependent components in their personality. If you’re someone who tends to be compassionate, helpful and forgiving; be mindful of that.

You may have to stop and have a chat with yourself. Ask yourself;

What effects does this have on my health?

Am I losing sleep?

Am I spending a lot of my emotional energy on this person?

Who/what is being neglected because my attention/energy is being spent on this person?

Are my loved ones willing to tolerate my involvement with the person long term?

Am I willing to endure what comes with attempting to maintain this relationship?

This doesn’t mean you have to be black and white. There are different strategies for confronting someone with histrionic personality disorder. There are also different ways to set boundaries and you can adjust those based on your comfort level.

5 | See Through The Charm

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

Actions > Words

People with Histrionic Personality Disorder are generally pretty charming individuals. They have a knack for telling people what they want to hear. It’s an admirable skill & very useful.

When you’re confronting someone with histrionic personality disorder and something feels off, you may need to evaluate what difference your actions make to them.

Are they looking for sympathy, financial gain, to position you somewhere for triangulation, trying to save face?

Evaluate their actions instead of what they claim their intention is.

Also, I never take into account or validate what they say about others, because first of all, it’s not fair to others. It also may be a triangulation attempt. They may say things about others to make it seem as if they’re in the right, deflect off their actions, or even pin you against someone else.

6 | Don’t Be A Prop In Their Play

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

Someone with this specific personality disorder tends to create a “production” using various methods to add drama, themes, and characters into ordinary interactions.

They sometimes exaggerate emotions, use seduction, stretch the truth, or even blatantly lie. They can spice up even the most ordinary situations into something theatrical. Confronting someone with histrionic personality disorder provides a perfect opportunity for drama.

Try to stay level headed and be mindful of any attempts by them to “assign” a character to you. They may try to influence your reactions and guide you to a certain standpoint.

To do this they may use exaggerated expressions & it is human nature for us to mirror others. Mirroring is when you find yourself mimicking their body language, facial expressions or even tone of voice. It is a knee jerk reaction for many to react to their over reaction.

We often unintentionally begin mirroring their expressions, and by doing so we are validating their level of drama and contributing to the perpetually magnified storyline (without even intending to do so).

“gasp”

Often times overly compassionate empathetic individuals find themselves orbiting around someone with this personality disorder. Because of their generosity, compassion, high level of tolerance, and persistent forgiveness, they will continue to participate in the relationship that is often one sided. If you tend to fall into this range; you’re reading the right blog post.

They are skilled at reading others, whether they know it or not! They often watch for your reactions, even micro expressions and use your values and opinions to foster an alliance with you.

We may find ourselves in the passenger seat, along for the ride.

Be mindful of becoming a prop in their play.

7 | Take the Space You Need

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

It’s a good idea to take some time away when you need to. You may need to physically separate yourself from the person and remove them from social media or at least stop engaging with them.

You don’t have to be confrontational about it.

Just being able to step away is healthy and sometimes a necessary thing to do. The excess drama is exhausting and stressful which can impact your health.

The increase stress will also increase your cortisol which causes a cascade of issues in your body such as,

Headaches
Constipation or diarrhea
High blood sugar
Anxiety
Depression
Weight gain
Bloating
Tension
Increased blood pressure
Lack of sex drive
Acne break outs
Cold sores
Increased risk of catching anything that is contagious
Sleep issues
Shingles
Irritability

all because of the added stress.

Just be sure to get some space when you need to, even if you feel obligated to be involved.

8 | Don’t Make Excuses For Them

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

It’s easy to do, isn’t it?

“He meant well”

“He’s going through a lot”

“She’s young”

“She got it from her mom though”

“He’s trying”

“He’s family though”

“She has a lot on her plate”

WRONG.

This is generally not a diagnosis given to a person until adulthood; which means you’re dealing with an adult. Enabling their behaviors, taking away their consequences & overlooking their wrongdoings is not constructive.

If this is a child by chance; stick to behavioral interventions, seek out a child psychiatrist, find a therapist for CBT or DBT, seek respite if you need it, and find support.

9 | Trust Your Intuition

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

If something feels off, it probably is.

10 | Hold Accountability, but Avoid Dehumanizing

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

It’s easy to start shaming someone when we’re frustrated.

You should definitely hold them accountable for their actions but avoid doing so in a disrespectful manner.

This makes it easier for them to twist the story, triangulate or paint themselves as a victim. It will also help to prevent you from doing or saying anything you’ll later regret.

11 | Avoid Generalizing, Judging, Assuming

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

Stick with the facts. It’s not fair to assume everyone with this personality disorder does the same things. Becoming hypercritical of the person isn’t necessarily helpful either. When you’re speaking about what they’ve done or what your experience has been, be objective.

It is also a good idea to only listen to objective information instead of believing subjective information.

This will help you stay out of drama & help you understand situations clearly.

Objective Vs Subjective Information

Subjective: Bias, based on someone’s interpretation and opinion & opinions vary.

Objective: Based on factual, observable information. Could be measured or tracked.

For example:

Subjective: “I’m working on myself”

[What does that even mean?!]

Objective: “I’m going to outpatient therapy twice a week”

Measurable, observable, FACTUAL.

12 | Consider the Option of Not Confronting Them

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

You don’t have to be involved in every production.

Ignoring someone with histrionic personality disorder and all of the drama that accompanies them is sometimes our best option.

This is something you’ll have to be the judge of.

Is it worth confronting them?

Will you be bitter if you don’t confront them?

Is this something that you can get over with time?

What’s the risk vs benefit of confronting them?

Sometimes this person is a child, sibling, parent, spouse, or parent of our children, etc. This means we may have an obligation to encounter this person again.

It’s worth considering your options of how to best handle the situation.

Working with someone with histrionic personality disorder is difficult because it’s a constant balance of self-preservation and holding someone accountable.

You’ll often find yourself thinking about how to handle a situation.

13 | Stick To Behavioral Interventions

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

This discourages inappropriate behaviors and encourages appropriate behavior.

Behavioral interventions:

Remain calm
Be an example of what you’d like to see from them
Be consistent
Make boundaries clear
Implement boundaries
Provide/allow appropriate consequences
Reward positive actions/behavior

Many aspects of this personality disorder are behavioral. This means their environment likely shaped their behavior (at least to an extent). If you have been a central part of their environment, consider how you or others could be unintentionally encouraging unwanted behaviors.

Many people excuse their bad behavior, or relieve them of their natural consequences; this only motivates them to continue the maladaptive behavior.

There is a lot of information out there about behavioral interventions. If you’re frequently in their environment, it’s worth some research.

14 | Understand That You’re Not That Important

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

Sometimes we feel a pull to fix the person, heal them, solve the problem.. etc.

You’re not here to fix them. As Dr. Phil says

“it’s above your pay grade.”

Someone vulnerable to a person with histrionic personality disorder is sympathetic and empathetic. An empathetic person is susceptible to the techniques they use.

Empathy and forgiveness are often the glue that keeps a person stuck to someone that has these patterns.

15 | Take a Hard Look At What Role You Tend To Play

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

This requires some self reflection.

Refrain from actions that are enabling their maladaptive behaviors, or saving them from uncomfortable situations caused by their actions.

If you’re hoping to confront them about something that happened, be aware of your own tendencies, strengths and downfalls in the relationship.

16 | Confront Them On Your Terms

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

If you prefer to wait a while, meet at a public place, write letters, text, or leave voicemails, that’s okay.

There is no right or wrong delivery method.

17 | Consider Safety

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

Make sure you’re wise about safety. Theirs, yours and others. Confrontations can quickly become hostile and unpredictable.

If they’re capable of hurting themselves or harming you it’s not a bad idea to take extra steps to make sure you and others stay safe.

18 | Find a Healthy Emotional Support, For You

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

Relationships with anyone can be stressful but when they involve excessive drama and chaos; stress is inevitable. So, seek out your own support.

You should talk with someone supportive about your confusion, frustration and any other feelings you’re having. You will be able to process and release your feelings instead of walking around with them all the time.

It can be helpful to have other (more stable) relationships aside from your relationship with the friend who has a personality disorder. You will also have the benefit of hearing another person’s perspective, which can give you some clarity.

19 | Acknowledge & Extinguish Your Shame

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

Setting limits can make us feel guilty. Guilt often comes with implementing and sticking to boundaries we created. Sometimes the home we were raised in taught us maladaptive patterns.

People who endure childhood abuse/neglect learn that others needs come before their own. This is a maladaptive pattern because we will eventually crash and burn by overlooking our own needs.

When we eventually have nothing left to give we still feel guilty for not being able to do more.

There are some resources I’ll share below that talk about that theme often. It’s good to hear how others deal with it and to see that you’re not alone.

You will likely feel some relief and even feel empowered by acknowledging and letting go of grief and shame.

A Safe Place for Talking: Hope Recovery

Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families | ACOA

20 | Take Care of Yourself

Confronting Someone With Histrionic Personality Disorder

You’re important so make sure to treat yourself as if you are; physically, mentally and emotionally.

Being married to someone with histrionic personality disorder or having any other close relationship is downright taxing, do what you need to in order to be healthy.

A histrionic personality disorder relationship cycle often repeats itself. We all have tendencies so don’t beat yourself up when yours become apparent too.

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